Photo: The Lord of the Rings on Prime/Twitter
If your main problem with crappy NFT clip art is that there are too many monkey heads and not enough human torsos, then Amazon has the jpegs for you, you weirdo. As part of Amazon Prime Video’s still meticulous press rollout for its upcoming series The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, the streamer posted 20 new posters today on Twitter and Instagram. If you saw them and thought to yourself, Oh cool, a first look at this highly anticipated series, then you’re an idiot, because in PR terms, this isn’t actually a first look, but rather what’s called “character posters”.
Is this insight some kind of meta take on LOTR fan pedantry? Is this a riff on the use of imaginary languages and taxonomies in the work of JRR Tolkien? We need to take a look at the character posters for clues. Amazon says, “To fuel fan speculation and discussion, faces are not shown, and neither character names nor corresponding actors will be revealed.” So we’re going to lose hands and torso here. Let’s decode.
This one has several rings, but whether or not they are rings of Powerful is indeterminate. He has a braided red beard like Gimli, gold leaf on his hands and a kind of sledgehammer.
Wait – do they all have gold leaf on your hands? Did the whole cast come out for some 24 carat chicken wings with Jonathan Cheban and not washing your hands before the photo shoot? Anyway, this one is all adorned with gold and is holding some sort of pearl necklace.
Still with the golden pattern, but no gold on the hands. Lots of rings, lots of fabric details, probably a Lannister. What show is it? What year is it?
This guy has a scroll or hilt with a tower-slash-town detail at the top. He is in an action pose. Our first one-hander.
Wait, no this guy has a scroll. Also magician sleeves.
One-handed poses are the best because they really mean business. They don’t have time to stop at the Sears photo studio; they are on a mission. He has carved wooden armor and an arrow. He comes for Hawk Eyeis lunch.
Sheepskin collar, rustic weapon hilt with a shoddy rune: Must be a Weasley.
The scaly armor guy has the nicest grip yet. He looks like a Chess Knight or Pegasus from Disney Hercules. And the freckles! Is this a clue?
Can I offer you an acorn in this difficult time?
A classic knight. Chain mail and silver. What you think of when you hear “knight”, I bet.
This guy confuses potions with spells. That there is a muddy stem. Cute moon charm too.
Her Hair is she handbag strap and she’s holding the biggest berries you’ve ever seen. I want to know everything about her.
Everyone knows a cute mom who owns this blanket and these beads.
Close up of dakota johnson before tying these people up in a blue bottle.
Remember the chastity speech Abuela gave Joan the Virgin?
Nice cover, my girl! Is it the coach?
That school history project you did where you burned the edges of the paper to make it look old called – he wants his extra credit back.
Do you remember the woman at the top who had a golden dress and sun badges? It will be her boyfriend or her brother.
Wrong, but make it Arca.
It’s giving dusk, but I need this man to cut his nails.
Lots of codes and crests to unbox here. I’ll let you.